Breakup to breakthrough: Why getting to know yourself matters after a breakup

Breaking up with someone can be an absolutely devastating experience, whether or not you’ve been with them for years, or only for a short time. It can leave you feeling lost, confused, and unsure of what to do next. After a break-up, it can be tempting to jump right into another relationship in an attempt to be rid of hurtful or uncomfortable feelings.

However, it can be a really important thing to move slowly to both really give credit to your grief, and to take the time to get to know yourself before jumping into a new relationship. While life doesn’t always happen this way and I’ve known plenty of folks who’ve gotten out of one relationship and ended up with their life-partner sooner than expected after the initial break-up, taking time to yourself can be a really important step.

So, why is it important to get to know yourself before jumping into a new relationship post-breakup?

Learn from your past experiences:

Before leaping into dating or into a new relationship, it's important to take the time to reflect on your past experiences. What worked well in your previous relationship? What didn't? What patterns or behaviours did you notice in yourself or your partner that were either healthy, or maybe they weren’t so great? By taking the time to reflect on your past experiences, you can learn from them and avoid making the same mistakes in your next relationship. This is also a great reflective exercise so you can also learn what your strengths are and what helps you foster great connections.

Figure out what you want:

“I don’t really know what I want” are statements I often hear in my counselling sessions. When it comes to partnership, it can be helpful to focus on what qualities or values are important to you. At a minimum, especially with relationships, there should be “respect” and “trust”, so if you’re really struggling to figure out what you want in a partner it might be helpful to ask yourself what does “respect” and “trust” look like for you? It can also be helpful to ask what are your priorities in a relationship? Are you getting to that point of wanting to settle down and maybe have a family, or are you wanting to travel and explore the world with someone (or both?). By taking the time to figure out what you want, you can avoid settling for someone who isn't right for you or who doesn’t share similar life goals.

Build your self-confidence:

After a break-up, your self-confidence can take a hit and sometimes in ways you didn’t expect. Thinking that everyone’s judging you including the barista at your local coffee shop (even though they know nothing about you personally) because you’ve somehow “failed” at a relationship and they’ll just be able to smell it? Are you feeling like you don’t know yourself anymore now that you’re not with someone? We’ve been there, and it sucks. But taking the time to get to know yourself and rebuild a strong sense of self can help boost your self-confidence. What do you like to do? What activities or projects bring you satisfaction? When you're confident in who you are, you're more confident to navigate life, with or without someone by your side.

Heal and move on:

Taking the time to get to know yourself can also help you heal and move on from your past relationship. While grief is certainly not a linear process and acceptance does take time (so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not over it yet), it allows you to process your emotions and come to terms with what happened. When you're in a better place emotionally, you're more likely to attract a healthy and positive relationship without old grief muddying the waters.

In conclusion, taking the time to get to know yourself before jumping into any new relationship post-breakup can be super important to foster a deeper sense of self and understanding. By taking the time to reflect, explore your interests, practice self-care, try new things, and build a new support system, you can set yourself up on a good foundation to eventually attract a new relationship that is more likely to start out on really positive note.