Avoiding therapy? Here’s why
I always like to tell my clients when they first come to see me that therapy is a bit like going on an adventure or long journey. It can be a really safe space to process some deeply uncomfortable things, and can lead to incredible healing and peace. However, it also has its ups and downs. What that usually involves is a willingness to first get down and dirty in the mud and muck of the mind, heart and soul. And if you’ve made it to the therapy room (or online space), you’ve taken one of the biggest steps.
But transcendence of personal suffering rarely, in my opinion, happens without first really getting up close and comfortable with discomfort. That is usually NEVER an easy step and can depend on a whole variety of factors, including your willingness to engage with that process.
But if you’ve found yourself recently avoiding making an appointment, even if you know that therapy is good for you, these might be some of the reasons why.
Fear of the Unknown.
Your therapy journey has taken you to a deeper, and unknown place.
This is really common to begin to want to back out of therapy when you feel like you’ve reached another threshold and you have absolutely no clue what might lie on the other side. Maybe you’ve already had some realisations, or been able to express some of what you’ve been holding in, but now something else begins to percolate either consciously or subconsciously. The fear of the unknown can be a powerful block to progress, and it’s common for folks to not feel prepared or ready for what they might discover. Consider asking yourself if you need to pace yourself or ask for additional support from your therapist.
Change is Painful
You know you need to make a change, but you can’t imagine how that might look or what it might mean giving up. Change can be terrifying! Change is not always about not knowing what might come in on the other side of that, but also what you might need to leave behind on your journey. Sometimes, leaving bits of our old self behind is the most painful thing to do because the known is easier to cling to. It also feels like it gives us some sense of surety and stability and we don’t need to spend time or effort getting used to something different, even if that old thing is not healthy for us.
You’re Experiencing Anger or Resentment
This is a surprisingly common emotion to experience during the therapeutic process, including being angry at your counsellor or angry at what you’re experiencing because “isn’t therapy supposed to make me feel better?”. While I never intentionally go out of my way to make a client upset or experience greater suffering, sometimes the role of a counsellor is to facilitate a space where people can experience uncomfortable emotions so they can be resolved or worked through. You may also experience anger because of what you’re discussing, and your counsellor might poke, prod and ask questions about things you’d otherwise like to avoid. However, examining those feelings is actually deeply beneficial to the process of healing and can highlight unhealthy habits or patterns of behaviour that need changing.
Issues with Finances or Scheduling
Are you avoiding therapy because it’s become unaffordable or is not working with your schedule, but you’re afraid to tell your therapist? We know that discussing money can be awkward, because that is part of the relationship dynamic between counsellor and client. Counsellors are well aware that finances can take a hit, especially in the current economic climate and we know that sometimes this is a barrier to coming to therapy.
It’s important however to let your therapist know about this, and they may be able to offer reduced session fees in some instances or work out a way for the two of you to continue working together in some way that works for the both of you (hey, therapists aren’t immune to economic times either and running a business isn’t cheap). We won’t be offended if you ask us about this at all.
On the other hand, if your schedule is making it impossible for you to get to your sessions, ask if your therapist has flexible times or if they have out of hours appointments (I schedule two nights a week for evening appointments because it works for both me and my clients). Sometimes, you may even want to consider whether you’re not being flexible enough in your schedule because you’re avoiding wanting to come to therapy (that’s pretty common too).
Maybe it’s just time to move on from your therapist.
Sometimes, knowing when to call it quits may be the best thing for you to do. This may be that you feel like all the work you could do together is now complete, or that they don’t have the skill-set that you now require, or that you simply just want to try something new. We are skilled in a process called termination (which sounds harsh but it’s really just a mindful completion of a working relationship) and we are happy to talk to you about it. We won’t judge you or be hurt by your feedback that you don’t want to continue working with us anymore. We really want what’s best for you, even if that means we no longer see you. We may even be able to help point you in the next direction that’s right for you, and completing things with a sense of formality can provide inspiration and skills towards how you might want to end other relationships that are also no longer working for you.
These may just be some of the reasons why you’re avoiding your therapist and these are fairly common or normal responses. But know that whatever issue is coming up as a block to therapy, we therapists want to talk these things through with you, despite the discomfort. Sometimes the process of avoiding your therapist and working through that with them can be a key to working through other unhelpful or bad habits that don’t serve you.
Ultimately, therapists want to facilitate these discussions with you so we can help continue to facilitate your healing because we want to see you thrive and help you chart your course towards peace and fulfillment. So come and have a chat with us.
